endless.

lately, i’ve been down on myself for being so needy.

i need to constantly tell him, i love him.

i need to constantly touch him, for fear, that veins will run cold.

i need to constantly be thinking about him, or else, the fire will die.

and i’ve been down about it because i’ve been looking at it from all the wrong angles. there is absolutely nothing wrong about loving someone this much. 

we, as a society, spend so much time telling other people how they should love, how they should act, “don’t do this too much” “don’t do that too much” “he’ll get sick of you” “blah blah blah”.

it’s sad that it took me watching a romance movie to make me realize this…but why should i care? i can stretch my heart out for someone as far as it will stretch. if a person is to get sick of the love i give them, then they aren’t for me. 

i need to stop looking down on myself for feeling so strongly about someone, and start appreciating how so many couples fall out of love with each other, and yet, i fall harder and harder in love with my amazing boyfriend. 

i have to keep reminding myself of how lucky i am to have him, instead of constantly fearing that i’ll lose him. i need to make every minute with him count, instead of counting how minutes i have left.

"Endless Love" is probably one of my newest favorite movies. It’s cheesy, it makes you cry, it might even be called unrealistic. but why? why does an endless love have to be "unrealistic"? we have to label everything with logic and fantasy these days, and it’s silly. 

call me a dreamer, but i do believe in an everlasting love. 

no matter if i don’t end up with him in the future, it’s the moment that i’m in that counts.

and in this moment, i have a love so strong, that my brain feels like it’s going to combust, every time i look at him.

i’m going to love fearlessly from now on. no more shaming my “girly emotions” i’ve had too many people try and tell me how to love and i refuse to listen.

take me or leave me. this is my will.

"a kind of love you never fall back from. never want to. a love, so big, so strong, it never dies. never fades, never loses its electricity. the kind of love you fight for. the kind of boy you fight for."

ciao bella.

s.


“I had never seen someone so outrageously beautiful before.”

hawks.

my eyes. crystalized.
burning from the sweet addiction of the light.

my throat. bloated.
fearing the words that are often shaded.

i’m trying to trust my gut instinct. but every day, something new happens. and i start to question everything. is it really the right choice? DO i want to do this?

deep into the pathways of my veins, there MUST be something keeping me here. as much as i want to be in denial of it, i have to face my fears.

this HAS to be right.

what is it, that i’m doing wrong?
what is it, that makes me so less interesting than before?
what can’t i give you?
haven’t i given you enough?

no.

nothing is enough.
that’s why people push themselves until the marrow in their bones is thinning out.
i feel so weak.
i can’t do anything to make him be attentive like he once was.

maybe my gut instinct is wrong.
i could end up regretting this decision for the rest of my life, or i could see it as a learning experience.

haven’t i learned enough though? can’t i just make a choice, and live with it for the rest of my life?

this particular game in life is exhausting.
opening and closing yourself, in every single aspect.

it’s too much.

but still. good guy and bad guy on my shoulders here. giving me doubts, trying to make me stay true.

head and the heart.

or is it heart and the head?

ciao bella.

s.






I USED TO BE SO CUTE.
We’re so fukin fierce, you can’t handle it.



talk.

much confuse. 

much much confuse.

whhhhhhy can’t people just be simple? why do we all have to be so fucked up, and complicated?

In my perfect world. I’d like to start over. 

New life, new persons, new belongings.

I just don’t understand what causes people to attach to me.

The reality of it all: I’m an awful person. I’m selfish, I’m judgemental, I’ve hurt a lot of people, and sometimes-I still choose to do so.

"You aren’t very good at being my friend."

What the fuck does that even mean? The male species by now needs to understand that I’m overly nice. I’m too nice. I smile too much, I care too much, and I feel the need to be a comfort for someone.

You need someone to talk to? Sure, I’m your girl. You need a hug? I’m your girl. You just need someone to be around, yeah, I’m your girl.

But there’s a fine line between being nice, and a little too friendly. If you know what I mean.

Millienials HAVE to put a label on something. We have to define every inch of every second. And it just doesn’t make sense.

Just because a woman can be there for you and want to care for you, does not give her reason to leave her boyfriend. That’s just silly.

Maybe it’s my fault though. 

I did after all, like him in high school. I spent a good 4 months chasing after him but never had to courage to do so. And just when the stars shot at the wrong time, we’re reunited. But what is is not now. What now is not is. 

Oofta. I just find myself falling into this trap every three/four months or so. 

Last time, it was the two douches from that suburb town.

But it’s different when it’s someone you consider a good friend, right? How do you distinct a guy you consider a good friend vs. a guy that a part of you still ask the coulda shoulda woulda? I don’t think that’s the case though. Because I feel content in my relationship. Is it just because him and I have more things in common, so we talk more? But what about the things I connect to with my boyfriend that I could never with him?

Like dafuuuuuq.

I should just be a lonely furniture collector.

That’s the new plan.

ciao bella.

s.

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