stems.

i just can’t stop thinking about it.

the giddiness that injects itself into my bloodstream.

waiting for a return,
but holding onto reality.

just a little bit longer.

my desire starts to claw me from the inside out, wondering if i’ll ever get over it. a tart taste in my mouth as i begin to accept my lust.

reaching for the intangible, and grasping for what is too impossible.

i have no problem with stopping the hurt that i feel. but i know i have a problem accepting it.

it’s just so easy to pretend you know? the facade i have, has been perfected over the course of years. it’s been put to the test, defeated, destroyed, reformed, born again, manifested into a subconscious that i’ll never be aware of.

wondering.
just wondering.

what’s going to happen?

your mouth is hanging on by a thread, i knew what you were thinking when you touched me. that moment of visual connection as i tried not to blush. the gentle touch of your body.

God. I just wanted to tear you a part.

ciao bella.

s.

I guess I’m kinda saucy.



m&g.

i could hear the sound of my skull cracking, before I even felt the pain.

met with a pair of eyes that were searching deeply into the cavities of my stare.

there was mystery in the pigment of his skin. 

curiosity.

looking for pain? looking to connect? looking to seduce?

blank stares.

the burning of something watching my body from behind, as i followed the crowd and did foolish looking body contortions. fighting the urge to break away and make contact.

why are you doing this? what do you want from me?

resisting the desire to start a new slate, and forget everything that i had worked so hard to believe in.

it isn’t going to work out. 

there was nothing left for me to fight for. i lost that war long ago. while i was deceived into thinking that i was doing something right for once. deceived into thinking that i could love deeply enough. love wildly enough.

the pigment of his skin.

fighting the urge to make a connection.

because i knew it wasn’t my remedy.

nothing compares to the sweetness of melancholy, when you open your eyes in the morning. the stickiness of a deep regret that can’t be washed away.

crack.

crack crack.

i could feel nothing. taken over by the urge to emote things that i shouldn’t have been.

is there a threat?

what if i just don’t know it?

it burned to look away. but the cracking in my skull wasn’t worth it. the mystery and desire behind his every move. such a masculine facade, but seemingly innocent and graceful in the way he stepped. his body was in slow motion. as if his sweat was leaving a shadow in the light.

nothing compares to the sweetness of melancholy, when you open your eyes in the morning. the stickiness of a deep regret that can’t be washed away.

love deeply enough. love wildly enough.

ciao bella.

s.

4floors.

today, the hemispheres of the earth, are aligned incorrectly.

there’s this stench lingering in the air, and it’s tangible.

the stench of depression.

and the pits are just attaching to my intestines.

lighght.

i just want to take a backpack of stuff with me, and flee the country.

i don’t have much for me here.

it’s all routine.

it’s all habitual.

it’s all a fucking “ritual”.

nothing is keeping me here.

my chains broke a long time ago

when i lost faith in humanity.

even in love.

love is a drug.

it’s great at first.

and you can get so high from it.

it’ll make you feel invincible.

but in the end…

you just feel like shit.

it loses it’s magic.

no more fun. no more smiles.

what map should i follow?

werk.

swerve.

maybe i’ll find my way soon.

ciao bella.

s.




mirror.

"I look in the mirror and I try to see myself. My head full of terror, from the games I played so well. I try to see clearer, I try to forget the fires I started, I try to be nearer, to where you are."

I never understood why people saw ‘therapy’ or ‘counseling’ as a bad thing. We, as a society, act as if we’re all too good to seek out an unbiased point of view on our lives. I probably would’ve sided with everyone else 2 years ago. 

Psh. Therapy. I’m not crazy.

But it’s not a matter of being crazy or anything of that sort. 

It’s to have a better understanding of who you are, and why you are the way you are.

I am beyond grateful that my partner and I decided to go to couples counseling. It’s not that we were on the edge of a cliff or anything when we decided to go see someone. But we wanted to know why the same fights were happening, what we could do about it, and learn the tools necessary to have a successful relationship. 

I don’t care what anyone else says, it is so to go see a therapist/counselor/whatever you want to call them, on a regular basis. When life gets too chaotic, where are you supposed to turn with your frustrations? Where do you seek guidance from? The reason why I suggest a professional, is because it’s someone you don’t know who will give you an unbiased response. As opposed to going to your mum for advice eh? 

My partner and I have come so far since we first started seeing our counselor back last fall. It was a bittersweet day today. 

I just want to be a better person. And I’ll keep on trying to be the best I can be. But it’s going to be hard. It hasn’t been easy thus far, but I know I can do it. 

It’s the little things. That make the biggest difference.

ciao bella.

s.

p.s. my eyes are about to glue shut, so I need some sleep before I can continue on with this post :) I have so much to say!


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