riff.

I usually post these sort of rants and thoughts on my other blog but I wanted to reach out to my personal tumblr, in hopes of getting prayers and positive vibes.

I’m sick, and I’m hardly aware of it.

It all started about two months ago when I was admitted into the hospital for an intentional OD. I remember seeing the numbers crawl up as I stepped onto the scale. I was mortified. I hadn’t been that heavy since I was in high school. But when I was in the treatment center, I could have a plethora of foods and no one from the outside world would ever have to see me again. We’re all a little crazy but I didn’t feel like I was crazy enough to have to stay there. Part of me wanted to, but I just couldn’t.

My relationship with food and body dysmorphia, has been haunting me for years. And I’ve paid the price for it all. Thinned hair, scars on my hands, stained teeth. 

Every time I get better, in the blink of an eye, I get worse. 

In the past month, I’ve lost about 15 pounds. Part of me feels so accomplished but the other part of me feels like my mind is slowly being taken over again by this disease. Ed is everywhere, he watches me when I sleep, he watches me when I walk to the fridge. 

I was doing so well. Eating healthy, working out, smiling. 

And then I got food poisoning. And then I got sick. And then I got my wisdom tooth pulled out. 

All those events led me to eating very little each day, and I didn’t know what I was falling back into.

Until I tried eating.

I get stomach aches from eating now. My body is more content with feeling empty than eating.

I just don’t want to be sick anymore. I had overcome this once already, but do you know how hard it was to do so? I just want to be healthy and strong.

I’m working so hard.

ciao bella.

s.



stems.

i just can’t stop thinking about it.

the giddiness that injects itself into my bloodstream.

waiting for a return,
but holding onto reality.

just a little bit longer.

my desire starts to claw me from the inside out, wondering if i’ll ever get over it. a tart taste in my mouth as i begin to accept my lust.

reaching for the intangible, and grasping for what is too impossible.

i have no problem with stopping the hurt that i feel. but i know i have a problem accepting it.

it’s just so easy to pretend you know? the facade i have, has been perfected over the course of years. it’s been put to the test, defeated, destroyed, reformed, born again, manifested into a subconscious that i’ll never be aware of.

wondering.
just wondering.

what’s going to happen?

your mouth is hanging on by a thread, i knew what you were thinking when you touched me. that moment of visual connection as i tried not to blush. the gentle touch of your body.

God. I just wanted to tear you a part.

ciao bella.

s.

I guess I’m kinda saucy.



m&g.

i could hear the sound of my skull cracking, before I even felt the pain.

met with a pair of eyes that were searching deeply into the cavities of my stare.

there was mystery in the pigment of his skin. 

curiosity.

looking for pain? looking to connect? looking to seduce?

blank stares.

the burning of something watching my body from behind, as i followed the crowd and did foolish looking body contortions. fighting the urge to break away and make contact.

why are you doing this? what do you want from me?

resisting the desire to start a new slate, and forget everything that i had worked so hard to believe in.

it isn’t going to work out. 

there was nothing left for me to fight for. i lost that war long ago. while i was deceived into thinking that i was doing something right for once. deceived into thinking that i could love deeply enough. love wildly enough.

the pigment of his skin.

fighting the urge to make a connection.

because i knew it wasn’t my remedy.

nothing compares to the sweetness of melancholy, when you open your eyes in the morning. the stickiness of a deep regret that can’t be washed away.

crack.

crack crack.

i could feel nothing. taken over by the urge to emote things that i shouldn’t have been.

is there a threat?

what if i just don’t know it?

it burned to look away. but the cracking in my skull wasn’t worth it. the mystery and desire behind his every move. such a masculine facade, but seemingly innocent and graceful in the way he stepped. his body was in slow motion. as if his sweat was leaving a shadow in the light.

nothing compares to the sweetness of melancholy, when you open your eyes in the morning. the stickiness of a deep regret that can’t be washed away.

love deeply enough. love wildly enough.

ciao bella.

s.

4floors.

today, the hemispheres of the earth, are aligned incorrectly.

there’s this stench lingering in the air, and it’s tangible.

the stench of depression.

and the pits are just attaching to my intestines.

lighght.

i just want to take a backpack of stuff with me, and flee the country.

i don’t have much for me here.

it’s all routine.

it’s all habitual.

it’s all a fucking “ritual”.

nothing is keeping me here.

my chains broke a long time ago

when i lost faith in humanity.

even in love.

love is a drug.

it’s great at first.

and you can get so high from it.

it’ll make you feel invincible.

but in the end…

you just feel like shit.

it loses it’s magic.

no more fun. no more smiles.

what map should i follow?

werk.

swerve.

maybe i’ll find my way soon.

ciao bella.

s.

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